Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Am I ?

I was born a worrier. I will die a worrier. Motherhood has not improved this. I worry if he is eating right, is he eating too much, too little? Is he too fat? I don't worry if he is too thin though. Is he getting enough iron? Do I love him enough? Are we bonded enough? Too much? I feel guilty when I feel like I want a hour away from him, after all I wanted this kid. I wept for years over not getting pregnant, and now I am lucky enough to have him and I want to escape? I am realizing that I am not the June Cleaver I thought I would be, if anything I am more like Roseanne. I am not necessarily thrilled by not using my brain all day. I am more than willing to sacrifice my ideal life for the long term well being of my son however. It is so important for me to be home with him, to watch him grow and guide his experiences. I really don't know what I was expecting it to be like all those years I was at work and thinking that this was going to be the ultimate existence. I think I need to "reframe" this situation. Unlike the majority of Mom's here in the US I am lucky enough to have the opportunity to stay home and raise my baby myself. I need to remember that. Maybe I need to take a class...or read challenging literature...or suck it up and quit whining!

3 comments:

Teresa Leigh said...

This is something that goes through my mind recently. I think the honeymoon period is over for me. I need something that is personally enriching because there is only so much you can do with your baby during the day before monotony sets in. Although I wake up happy to see his little face there are times during the day that I just want to have more ME time. I am hoping to volunteer more so I can get something more out of life then being my babies mom, and my husbands housewife. BUT, I am happy to be home everyday and I think you are too.... :)

Julie said...

Always remember that Barbara Billingsly was not home with her two kids, and Tony and Jerry were child laborers.

Kelly and Jason said...

I am very happy to be home, after all I spent 1 and 1/2 hours at the park today, and poor Daddy was at work!