I didn't feel right. I didn't feel sick. I didn't feel as tired. I asked for an ultrasound, just to be sure. The moment I saw the screen, I knew. No flickering little light. My little gummy bear was no longer. The pain has been deep. Willliam is old enough to get it. Thankfully, Charlie isn't. I am so grateful that my marriage is strong, and all these trials just draw us closer. Thank God for Jason.
All the plans that were changed now have to be changed back. It's so depressing. The equipment will be given away to someone who needs it. I recycled the baby name book. The crib isn't needed now. The car seats don't have to be rearranged. I won't be shopping for maternity clothes, or little tiny sleepers. If Charlie ever gets potty trained, I can get rid of the diapers. We aren't doing this again. We have been talking about it together, and talking some more. We have decided to stop. We would have happily made all these changes for this baby. But, with the two boys we have, and the life we desire, we have decided to be done. We can always adopt later if we change our minds. I have no desire to go through this again. I don't do pregnancy well, and this experience just seems to prove it. There are women who are lucky enough to breeze through, but I am not one of them. Bedrest and these two boys don't mix, and with pre-eclampsia starting last time, I am at a higher risk with each one, so risking myself for a child who doesn't exist doesn't make sense. I would have happily laid my life on the line for THIS child, but a future baby doesn't seem to be part of the great plan. I have been blessed with the best of husbands, and I have two healthy, happy boys. I have to be content with that. As for my Angel Baby, I hope he is waiting in Heaven for me, and I will look forward to meeting him there....
